Tips for supporting children during lockdown

As the lock down continues, it is increasingly affecting our mental health in negative ways, and sadly, this is as true for children as it is for adults.  As adults, we can usually feel these mood shifts and use techniques we have learned throughout our lives to help comfort and sooth ourselves.  Many children simply have not had the time or life experience to help them develop these strategies of self-regulation.  In fact, they might not even really understand what the feeling is that they are experiencing, or have the language to articulate it as an emotion, it is confusing!

Children, like adults, will all react differently in crisis situations.  Some children might become sullen and withdrawn, they may act out, some might become more irritable, sleeping or eating habits might be disrupted, and some children might cling to their parents.  The important thing to remember is that all of these are normal reactions to fear and crisis, and really need to be handled with compassion, tenderness, and patience.

There has been a huge spike of children calling into services such as ChildLine since the beginning of quarantine.  These children who are very worried about what is happening in the world, wondering when they are going to go back to school,  how their work and futures are going to be affected, some are even worried about death or sickness.  For children, with pre-existing mental health issues, if their therapy has been stopped and they are left feeling lonely, isolated, scared and increasingly panicked.

The good news is that there are many things we can do at home to support our worried children.  Below is a list of things that you can do that will help alleviate your children’s worries.

Understand your child

They key to understanding your children’s fear is to recognise that this is difficult for us, but it is particularly difficult for them.  A child’s brain, specifically the prefrontal cortex, is simply not developed enough to process and make sense of the situation we are in or know how to self-regulate.  Research suggests that this part of the brain is not fully developed until the age of 25! To clarify further these are a few things that the prefrontal cortex is responsible for:

• problem-solving
• logic
• memory
• focus/attention
• impulse regulation
• identity/personality development
• reasoning

Do you see why processing crisis might be difficult for them? or why when they are feeling a strange emotion it would affect their behaviour? Like us, children will be moving between emotions and some days are going to be better than others, so try to be led by the child and listen to what they need on any particular day.

Listen, listen, and listen some more!

It is so important to validate your children’s fears and concerns, the best way to do this is to listen.  The key to good listening is not to try to ‘fix’ or ‘quiet’ their anxiety but to hear them, let your child get it out.  You then reassure them, through a hug or an appropriate response, like ‘I hear you’, or ‘thank you for being so open and honest with me’, or ‘I hear that you finding this very difficult’, or simply ‘I love you’.

Ask open ended questions, such as ‘how do you feel?’, or ‘do you have any questions?’  The key is to let the child speak without correcting them or minimising their feelings.

If you’re OK, they’ll be OK

Perhaps the most important thing to remember is that children and young people are very impacted by their environment.  In other words, the more worried and anxious you are, the more likely your children are going to feel the same way.  They also learn by watching, so model the coping mechanisms you want to see in your own child, be the emotional conduit for your family!

One of the best ways you can support the children in your life is to take care  of yourself and manage your own mental health! Try and find some time alone by taking breaks, even 10 minutes will help! Exercise if you can, journal, meditate, do whatever you can to manage your own anxiety and this will drastically increase the overall sense of well-being throughout the whole house!  (Look at this blog for idea to managing your own mental health).

Create a sense of safety

On bad days, this might mean allowing them some extra cuddles, letting them have their security toys, give them things you know they like to eat (these are not the days to try new things), let them know they are safe, they are loved and that you are in this together.

On good days it is good to keep to a routine, to play games, to practice those active listening skills!

Routine

For a moment, please consider school educated children, think about how consistent this has been for them.  School is all about routine, they go in the building and they know what to expect.  In the UK, they start school at 4, so they might have very little memory of anything else! Home educated children might not have the trigger of the actual building, but they will also be in a comfortable routine and will likely have specific activities on specific days, and again, they will wake up knowing what to expect.

Now, imagine now all of that day to day ‘normal’ being taken away, now take away their peer groups, teachers, and grandparents.  This is so much loss and could make a child feel insecure, worried, and confused.  One of the best ways to make children feel safe is by introducing a gentle and adaptable routine, but remember we are not living in normal life, so be relaxed, lower your expectations, and be gentle.

Right now, creating a routine is not about trying to recreate their school days, it is about the child knowing what to expect each day so they don’t have to spend their precious and often limited cognition on working out what the day is going to look like.  Consider starting a bit later than normal, and in addition to school activities schedule in some time when you snuggle on the couch for reading, make time for play, art, cooking, or play a game with them.

In my opinion, a child’s mental heath takes precedence, yes, even over their learning!  Stress and anxiety is simply not conducive for learning, so while it is important they get their maths and English completed, it is more important for their future development and education that they feel safe and secure during this difficult time.

Encourage social interaction

I understand that this is very difficult when we are being asked to stay indoors.  However, we live in the age of technology! There are so many tools available to us to stay in contact with friends and family, introduce phone calls, emails, and video chats for your children with friends or extended family.  Help them stay connected to the people they are close to!

Limit exposure to the news

Like us, children will be affected by a continuous news stream and it is likely to lead to excessive stress and anxiety.  Many children are just too young to be able to handle the vivid images and taglines of mainstream news, exposure to these materials is traumatic very difficult for them to process.  To be honest, it is difficult for me to manage as an adult!

A way to keep them up to date and ensure they have the information they feel they need, ask them what they are curious about.  Ask your child what they want to know, and then discuss it with them, let them ask questions, then you can seek out the information and share it with them in age appropriate ways.

Another idea might be to seek out one positive news story a day and talk to them about it.  What better way to show your children that it is possible to do really positive things in even in a really negative situation, allow them to see the good in the world!  it might even help you too;)

Compassion

The fact is, we are going through very difficult times.  I see it in nearly all my clients right now, days where the grief of losing the ‘normal’ in their lives just feels overwhelming.  The young people I see are overwhelmingly worried about falling behind in school and deeply feeling the effects of isolation from their friends.  This grief causes waves of good and bad emotion, one day will be positive and hopeful, the next day might be all doom and gloom.  This is a completely normal response to the situation we find ourselves in!

The best thing we can do for ourselves and our families, is to take each day as it comes, and respond with gentle loving kindness.  Acknowledge each laugh and each tear with compassion and empathy.  Try to remember that we each have our own unique response to the situation at hand.  Each day will be slightly different than the last, and the full spectrum of emotion will be felt at one time or another.  Again, this is a completely normal response to the situation we find ourselves in!  

While this is difficult, we can use this as a wonderful opportunity to show our children how to respond with grace, dignity, and learn how to self-regulate stress or worry.  This will encourage personal growth and help them develop a strong emotional resilience that will serve them throughout their lives.

If you have any questions about supporting yourself or your child, please get in touch!

Grace and peace xx

 

 

References

Olson CR, Colby CL. 2000. The Organization of Cognition. In: Kandel ER, Schwartz JH, Jessell TM, eds. Principles of Neural Science, 5th ed. New York: McGraw-Hill.

Weale, S. (2020) Sharp rise in the number of calls to ChildLine over Corona Virus retrieved from https://www.theguardian.com/world/2020/mar/27/sharp-rise-in-number-of-calls-to-childline-over-coronavirus