Coping with USA to UK expat stress

While moving from the USA to the UK can be an exciting adventure, it can also be a real shock to your system.  This tends to get easier over time, as most grief does, but for some, it might get harder.  Some expats can really struggle with the initial move or the struggle can pop up years down the line.  This can lead to things like depression and anxiety, which overtime, can even lead to family breakdown.

How do I know?

I am an American who has been living in the UK for 12 years!  I am happy here, I love my life, but sometimes I still feel like I don’t really belong anywhere, you know what I’m talking about, too American to be British and too British to be American.

My 1st few months in 2008 were spent frozen in fear, I was too scared to even go out by myself! Most days I spent moving between tears and excitement or wonder and grief.  Quite quickly, I was able to get myself out there  exploring my new town, learning how to drive, and after a blip in the road to creating a family,  we had our 1st child.  It was a crazy few years!

Then life started to happen, as the newness wore off, family members in the states pass away, close friends get married, and begin having their own families.  While always happy for them, and still happy in myself, I had to admit that there were periods of time where I still felt a bit sad and homesick.

It is important to know that even if you are settled and happy, with a good support network, there might still be periods of real difficulty.  It is hard to raise your own family away from the place you grew up! All of the experiences and structures we know about childhood and school are different in the UK!  Watching your close friends and family back home get older and live life without you can be sad, and can leave you feeling left out or forgotten.

So what do we do with these feelings? How do we cope watching our home country go through serious civil conflict? Can the perspective we have gained from living abroad help those we left behind?

Current realities…

This last few months have been difficult to say the least! Covid 19 has wrecked absolute havoc in the lives of so many both in the US and the UK.  The oddest part for me is watching how differently my 2 countries are handing the situation and in response I have felt anger, confusion, frustration, worry, and relief.

Then, even more recently, watching the rise of anger and racial tensions in the US expand to an absolute explosion of riots and fighting.  I have always had such a spirit of activism and revolution in my blood, which has been dormant since my move to my quiet little corner of the UK.  Except, watching the news, listening to the fears of my close people in the US has left me feeling frustrated, angry, guilty, selfish, helpless, and again relieved.

So what are we, as expats to the US, supposed to do with all of these feelings?

Coping with expat stress

I can always feel my homesickness coming on, usually happens in October, just before the big burst of fun American holiday’s.  I start cooking more, phoning home more, and listen to Roseanne on a constant stream because it reminds me of my mother.

Although, when I see events on the news like this week, riots in US cities, and the continuous oppression of people of colour a new emotion sets in.  It’s not quite homesickness like I feel in October, but it is a deep desire to support my Americans brothers and sisters, to activate and support.  I want to be involved and help in anyway possible, but being 5000 miles away creates a helplessness and restlessness that is difficult to handle.

To write this blog, I reached out to a few other expats about what they do to combat this type of stress.  I understand that some of these might be slightly contradictory but it is a correlation of ideas from a small group of people and we are all unique in our coping strategies!

• Distraction  ‘I take a break from news/Facebook and find ways to distract myself. Like playing a game, watching a film or tv show, funny YouTube videos. Something I can just get get into like I’m in another world for a bit. The break helps my anxiety tremendously.’
• Find like minded community – ‘I find it helpful to see people’s Facebook reactions…I know that can be overload for some but I tend to mostly have like minded people on my feed so it gives me a sense of solidarity with people on both sides of the pond. I hope I then turn inward to reflect on what changes I can make individually.’
• Disconnect ‘I turn off Facebook, and spend some time with my family’; ‘we limited the amount of news we watched’
• Reach out ‘my biggest issue was feeling out of control, by reaching out and discussing my fears with my family I allowed them to help me let go of my fears’
• Meditation ‘We can’t help others if our cup is empty. It’s easy to take on anger and rage right now. The air is literally thick with it. I meditate and imagine putting all of those feelings into a box and thank them for the lesson they taught me and then I give them back to the creator to re-purpose as needed’

Counselling

Counselling can be extraordinarily helpful when your concerns and worries begin to feel overwhelming.  I certainly won’t pretend to know exactly what it feels like to walk in your shoes.  However, I will try to offer you a safe and non-judgmental space to explore it all.  The important thing to remember is that you don’t have to suffer on your own! Expat life is tough and it is still totally normal to have mixed feelings from time to time.

 

I write this blog from the perspective of an American who has settled and intends to live in the UK, for the rest of days.  I do recognise the other 6.2 million non-British people, or 9.4 million foreign born people that represent hundreds of countries, who all live, work and settle here in the UK.  However, for the purposes of this blog I speak only through my own experience of expat life, but am always interested in learning more about the experience of others! If you have anything to share please get in touch!

Jamie x